Girl Unaffiliated: Fun, Easy Recipes to Make When Everything Is Falling Apart

 It’s that time of the year again: the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and everything you once held dear is slipping from your grasp. When all you’ve got left is an empty stomach, fill it with these recipes!

• Candy wrappers. Life’s short—eat dessert first. Then, eat the wrappers.
• Stone soup. Do you have a rock in the pit of your stomach, weighing you down? Replace it with an actual rock! This is a very filling meal, suitable for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Or, if you sprinkle it with some soil, it makes a fabulous organic dessert!
• Poison ivy salad. A cheap and healthy option for any dietary restriction. It’s also convenient, as it's widely available as well as easily found in most backyards. Remember the nursery rhyme, “Leaves of three, chow for free!”
• Greasy hair. Don’t waste all of that good grease in the shower! Rather, use it to deep-fry your hair for a deliciously sinful snack. (Make sure you chew each strand thoroughly before swallowing to prevent choking.)
• Rats-atouille. With the good weather comes lots of scurrying little friends, scratching at your doors and pooping under your pillow. Instead of sautéing chopped vegetables and baking them into a stew, or scattering inhumane rat poison, catch and julienne some furry rodents for an entrée that makes you earn it first! This is a gourmet recipe, appropriate only for experienced chefs/pest exterminators.
• Human boy haggis. Heartbreak sucks, but haggis is a savory delicacy. Mash up his heart, liver, and lungs and then encase that player’s pluck in his own stomach. It’s emotional eating done right! Mmm, that nutty texture is to die for.*
• Literally anything. If it can be chewed, swallowed, digested, or even just forced down your throat, you have yourself a momentary distraction from the disappointment and frustrations of daily life!  

 
Happy snacking.
-GU
 
*From the 2001 English edition of the Larousse Gastonomique: "Although its description is not immediately appealing, haggis has an excellent nutty texture and delicious savoury flavor."