Please excuse this brief interruption of your regularly scheduled programming to bring you an important message from the Trump Administration.
Happy being nasty.
It’s probably been a pretty hard year for everybody. I sort of feel bad for the people who’ve actually had a good year, because now it’s like they can’t even talk about it or everyone’s just going to think they’re bragging.
No matter what your year has been like, we can’t skip the holidays just this once, so we might as well surrender ourselves to holiday spirit and try to end this shitshow of a year on a high note.
Try to get back into the holiday spirit here.
1.Green Trees Red Hearts – Nat Jay Sure, time is just a human construct, and the holiday season/the new year don’t really mean anything—by that I mean, we don’t really need to wait till the new year to “start over” or work on those resolutions. But I, for one, need a little holiday symbolism to get motivated after the shitshow of a year I’ve had, so I’m all about 2017 being a new start.
I’ve had some trouble fitting in
But I’ve been a stand up, stand up citizen
Thank god for green trees and red hearts
New years and new starts
2.Yule Shoot Your Eye Out – Fall Out Boy Gotta love a Christmas song that totally subverts the conventional spirit of the holiday. Generosity? Blah. Love? Meh. Gratitude? Whatever.
Don’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
3.Present Without A Bow – Kacey Musgraves I really like the analogy “me without you is like a present without a bow” because it implies that even without her boyfriend or whatever, the narrator is still a goddamn present. The bow is totally unnecessary. It’s just a superfluous little goodie. That’s how we should all be thinking of dumb boys, in my humble opinion.
The holiday’s just another day that’s cold
Standing all alone under the mistletoe
I don’t feel the cheer without you here
There’s no red and white stripes on a candy cane
Silent Night just wouldn’t sound the same
Where’d the magic go?
All I know is me without you is like a present without a bow
4.Christmas in Harlem – Kanye West, Prince Cy Hi, Teyana Taylor I have this weird intuition that this song is going to become to next “Silver Bells.” I can’t explain it. It’s just a feeling I have.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night
Now we all livin’ the good life
Yeah, though it’s forty below the wind chill
And we wipin’ snow up off the windshield
It’s still, wonderful night to be alive, baby
5.Throw Another Log (On The Fire) – Chic Gamine All of these alone-for-Christmas songs are so much more relatable than the typical sleigh ride with your sweetheart stuff.
I hear the reindeers’ footsteps on the roof
And maybe it’s not real or maybe it’s proof
That I’m going crazy in this empty home
Sitting here waiting under the mistletoe
6.Christmas Must Be Tonight – Bahamas I think is kind of a Jesus song? I don’t know. Whatever. I like the way it sounds and the word Christmas is in the title so it fits.
Come down to the manger, see the little stranger
Wrapped in swaddling clothes, the prince of peace
The wheels start turning, torches start burning
And the whole wise men journey from the east
7.All My Christmases – Jillian Edwards This song reminds me of all the Hallmark and Lifetime romance Christmas movies that I freaking love. I know—they’re really cheesy. But I love them and I am who I am and I like this corny song, too, and I don’t care what you think of me.
And now every Christmas from now on I’ll be here, by your side
And now every day in between and for all of our lives
I’ll be waiting under the mistletoe wanting a kiss from you
You know I do, I do, I do
From now on, all my Christmases with you
8.Mistletoe – Colbie Caillat I think that this one is a little better known than the others, but still. We can’t judge something for being popular, that would be, like, uncool of us.
It’s not Christmas if the snow don’t fall
And I’m still standing here, three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all, it’s Christmas time
It’s Christmas time
9.Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses This is in the same league as those super cheesy romantic holiday movies. It’s pretty long, and there’s a lot of build up, but the ending is hilariously satisfying. If you can’t wait through all of the repetition, just skip ahead to the end, I won’t tell on you.
Calendar picture, frozen landscape,
Chill this room for twenty-four days
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!