My grandparents died before I was born and, while growing up, I always felt that loss as a tangible pain. As I've gotten older, it has become more and more of a priority to learn about the ancestors I never knew. I don't want stories of them to die out. I want to be able to pass them on to my children, so that they can pass them on to their children. 

So, I made a little film about them and my journey of learning and recording as much about them as I can find. 

​Check it out, and let me know what you think!

​Much love,
​GU

Believe it or not, vulnerable, in my mind, is synonymous to confident. So if that one Demi Lovato song got stuck in your head as soon as you read the title of today's post, you're not wrong.  

​Certain emotions get a really bad rap. If you think about them all carefully (hurt, anger, fear, etc.), they all have one thing in common: vulnerability. Throughout my wild, wacky, horrific, humiliating, life-affirming, heartbreaking, wonderful life experiences, I've found that people are scared to death of being vulnerable. I only know this, not because of what they were like when they were vulnerable, but because of their reactions when I let myself be vulnerable. 

I need another word besides "vulnerable." I'm repeating it too much and it's starting to look weird. 

In fact, I just discovered a major source of the problem I'm describing while I was Googling synonyms. Here are the synonyms Google lists for vulnerable: helpless. Defenseless. Weak.

NO.

NO!

Vulnerability is not a weakness, just like kindness is not a weakness. Rather, it is pure power. Think about all of the times you felt strongly about something but didn't say it out loud. Or express it through tears, or through wild gesticulations and general flailing. Think about all of the times you took a piece of you, judged it, and then stuffed it down the disposal and flipped the switch. If doing the opposite is weakness, is easier, why don't people do that more? Why is bottling up one's emotions basically a freakin' epidemic if that's the strongest, most challenging option?!

News flash: humankind likes instant gratification. Humankind likes simple. Vulnerability is neither.

It takes strength to let your emotions out. It takes strength to accept whatever feelings, emotions, or sensations hit you, and to not be afraid of revealing them to the world. Because here's the crux of the problem. Vulnerability forces you to be 100% authentic. That legitimately scares the crap out of people! To be 100% authentic, to see 100% authenticity in other people. It's weird. 

Does this stem from society's expectation of every individual to fit in? Perhaps. Really, it doesn't matter where it comes from, because that's not going away. All that matters is how you react.

​I find I'm happiest when I'm not judging my emotions or my (admitted penchant for) vulnerability. And when I'm not judging myself, I find it easier to not judge other people, either. It's a win-win. 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is cry more, okay?! I'm sick of feeling like the only person who cries in public!

Much love,
GU

Last month, I turned 21. 

I wouldn't normally think that this was that big of a deal. I mean, age is a just a number and all that. But this year feels significant. Different.

For one thing, I have just one year of college left before I graduate. And I honestly can't wait to do just that. I'm done with the psuedo-summer camp weirdness. I'm done living in the middle of nowhere. And I'm really done with people whose priorities are the exact opposite of mine.

I will miss the classes, though. I really do like class, and discussions, and theses. But I don't like  getting up early for class, so. Silver lining.

Aside from being totally done with the college thing, I moved to Manhattan this summer for my first big-girl, real-life job too! After one day here I was already like, do I have to go back to school in the fall? And now that I'm settled into my internship (my documentary filmmaking internship! I can't believe it myself!), I feel like I could stay here, doing this, forever. 

I guess that's a good thing, since I know what I want to do and where I want to be after graduation. But, man, I'm really dreading the months of school in between. 

I've always known that I would freakin' love being an adult. And I really do. I don't have all of the responsibilities of adulthood yet, but I'm thinking about those things. And, strange as it may seem, I'm looking forward to them.

I don't care if that's weird. I'm discovering that a large part of adulthood is knowing that you're weird, accepting those parts of you, and embracing them as truly the best bits. 

Although my day-to-day life is so unfamiliar now, it doesn't feel strange or uncomfortable. It feels right, and real. I didn't realize how unreal high school and parts of college felt. How inconsequential. Now that I'm doing things that I care about, with people that I care about, in this incredible place that I love from the deepest, most bizarre crevices of my odd little heart, all that crap from the past doesn't matter.   

What's more important than family, passion, and loving who you are and where you are? The answer is literally nothing. Not boys, not selfish jerks, not flabs and jiggles, not cool hair and white sneakers.

With all that said, I'm still having a hard time accepting going back to school in the fall. It was my first love, once. New York City may be the place I want to grow old with, but college definitely helped me become the kind of person who thrives here. I just need to keep reminding myself of that, I think. Maybe I only think that I'm ready to move on, but there are a couple of lessons I have left to learn. Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

Much love,
​GU